


Egami Rorrim

by LadyArrowhead



Category: Young Avengers
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-28
Updated: 2015-12-04
Packaged: 2018-05-03 19:36:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5304119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyArrowhead/pseuds/LadyArrowhead
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I wish I was someone better"</p>
<p>Wrapped in familiar darkness when enemies are friends and friends gain friends who could be enemies, he looses himself to sleep. Creating someone free of all his flaws, someone perfect, makes more than a good cover. It means, his friends will not even notice he is gone. It means everything will work out just fine, just like it should without him. If he cannot be someone better, he'll have them meet the man he can be.<br/>This way they won't be lonely. This way they won't miss him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I wish...

He felt galaxies at his fingertips, universes on his tongue, magic in his blood. His heartbeat an illusion. The Patriot Suit, hollow, right in front of him, however, was reality. Carefully, it stretched out his hand and took Billy's, leading him into the darkness.

 

He forgot how he got here. It does not matter anymore.

 

            "Follow me.", the suit had said and yet it did not speak. It had half a year since he'd last seen it. He recognized how different it moved from Eli. Eli's steps were hard, effective, almost iron. The Patriot suit however moved-cat like. Slower and yet lighter, ready to charge in a moment.

 

Darkness was familiar. It was more than just a place. It was living, breathing. Once it had pulled you into a hug, it never let go again. Even know, Billy could still feel it against his skin. Always present. Always a part of him.

 

            _Dear friends_

The magic in his blood grew colder. Magic usually feels pleasant and warm, like a chimney's fire. Lately, his magic feels like ice and thus, as the thoughts made their way to his head, he felt the ice crystallize in his veins.

 

His thoughts were like stars. Falling from him and gleaming for a moment before vanishing forever. Fading.

 

 

            _I understand why you want to leave me. I notice the changes in your behaviour. Every slight one of them. I know you mean well. I know you mean not to hurt me. Soon, however, you will realize what I have realized a long time ago._

His chest felt like someone had stabbed him. The ice had numbed his arms and his lips, while he followed Not-Patriot into the all familiar void. Away from those who he had dragged down. Into the only place where the world was safe from him, his changes, his powers.

His exile.

 

Or was it another place? How long had they been going? Leaving? He did not know. He did not know why he trusted his former enemy to begin with but something about it was just too familiar. Just too much of him.

 

            _You are better of without me._

There was no ground to walk on, nor a sky to see. Just darkness, eternal darkness. The Patriot Suit knew where they are going. Billy could not help but follow him though the temptation to let go and let the darkness claim him grew.

 

            _It's easier, you know, to leave before people leave. This way it hurts less._

The ice had reached his eyes and he felt it everywhere. The words left his lips, the moment the thought occurred in his head.

 

            I want you to meet a Billy without depression. I want you to meet a Billy without anxiety. I want you to stay with the happy Billy, I want a Billy

who's not destructive, not disgusting, just pleasant.

            I want you to meet the Billy that is better than me.

Whatever his magic did, he didn't care. He knew his friends would be fine. That there would be someone else who would be with them.

 

_Even when I am gone I know that you won't be alone. One day, you will stop missing me. One day you will be free and I won't be there to destroy your chance of happiness._

The Patriot Suit squeezed his hand and Billy squeezed back. Within the darkness, Billy could spot a white mirror in the distance. Maybe here, his suffering would end. Maybe here he could just sleep and forget himself.

 

He longed to forget.

 

_I want you to be happy._

The ice had completely claimed him. That's why the warmth of his tears felt so foreign. Billy had not felt any warmth in a long time.

 

_I want you to be free._

It almost did not hurt.

_IwishIwasomeonebetterbutIknowIneverwillbe._

 


	2. Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, my love, where did you fly after you came home to me? 
> 
> Like the nightjar you left me here to nest in the mourning tree."

_As the magic left him, he felt his strength leaving him,too. The Patriot Suit opened and swallowed him up, fast, gentle, safe. The eternal void around him held him almost like Teddy's hugs. As if he was under water, Billy was not sinking, not flying. He just existed.  
_

_Cold. He felt so cold._

_-_

Teddy liked the moment of waking up. Waking up was like every day's spring. Waking up meant he felt every part of his body, his fingers, his arms, his breath so deep that he could almost taste his soul. Shielded by the warmth of his blanket, Teddy stretched just a little, his vision still burry, as he reached for the spot beside him. His favourite moment in the morning was , when his vision cleared and he'd meet the warm brown eyes of his fiancé. In these moment, Teddy had always been convinced, that wonders could be real.

This morning, however, as his vision cleared, Teddy did not find the familiar pair of eyes meeting his. The spot next to him was empty, unmade. Carefully, Teddy sat up and cleared his throat, before getting out of bed.

            "Billy?"

Teddy searched the room. He and Billy liked to retreat to this place once in a while. As friendly as the Kaplans were, they did not always understood what privacy meant to the young couple. In addition to that, Tommy had the annoying attitude of surprise visiting, entering the Kaplan's home always through Billy's window.

            "Billy?", Teddy called again, raising his voice a little, as his glance passed the bookshelves filled with comics and fantasy literature, manga and cook books. He took a step forward, past the several maps of fictional countries and towns on his wall, and opened the door to his closet. Billy's clothes were still there, neatly folded and put into the drawer Teddy had emptied for him.

How could not have left, could he? No, Teddy shook his head, pushing away the though that crept up into his head, Billy would not do that. Despite his self-loath, despite his depression, he did not push Teddy away. He never did. He wouldn't leave just now, leave him, without any word of explanation.

Teddy left the room, calling Billy's name once again, only to be left alone in silence. He wasn't in the kitchen, nor in the living room or bathroom. He wasn't here.

He felt, how his heart started hurting, as if someone had stabbed him right through it. Depression did not simply end, this much Teddy knew. He had read several books, both by himself and with Billy, that had explained how to deal with the black phases that just came without any warning, dragging Billy down that Teddy just wished he could hold him and not let go of him again.

He did not want to think of Billy, alone, somewhere where he could not find and help him, his hands cold, always so cold, Teddy wanted to hold them all the time.

Forcing himself to calm down, Teddy dragged his cellphone off his phone charger and pushed number one on his speed dial. Teddy waited for a second, listening and, to his frustration, heard the 60's Batman Theme playing.

Billy hadn't even taken his cell phone with him. How was he supposed to find him now?

Teddy's hands dialed the next number and he waited anxiously for someone to pick up, while walking to the windows. If Billy was just outside, Teddy might see him from there.

            "Fuck you, Teddy, it's way too early for that.", Kate's voice was still carrying slumber with it, but even now was full of confidence. A leader's voice, "Do you know how long I've been asleep? Three hours-"

            "Billy is missing.", he was surprised how hard his voice was shaking. Teddy clenched his fist, focusing on his own breath. He felt like something pressed against his chest, like a rope tightened around his neck, "Kate, Billy is missing."

She didn't answer immediately. He heard her inhaling sharply and getting up,

            "Since when?"

            "I just woke up and he was gone. His cell phone is still here and the whole apartment is empty."

            "Did you call his parents?", Kate's voice was getting more distant for a second before he heard her zipping something up, "Did you call Tommy?"

He didn't want to imagine how scared Jeff and Rebecca would be, if he told them. He did not want to see Tommy's disappointed expression for he knew how much he cared for his twin. Teddy swallowed down the doubts. He needed to be honest with Kate.

            "Not yet. I thought I'd call the leader first."

 He could hear her smile,

            "I'll call Tommy, if you want to, you call Eli? We can call Jeff and Rebecca after we've looked for him, the more people we are, the easier it is to find him but I get you don't want to worry them.", he heard a door close and her taking several steps at once, "So, we need to contact everyone - Tommy, Eli, America, David.."

            "Noh?"

 Kate paused for a moment,

            "Yeah, even Noh. Let's all meet at your place in an hour. I'm already on my way."

 She had a plan. Of course she had a plan, she always had plans. Teddy felt the illusion of stability collaps. He'd just need to call Eli and wait, that was all, and still ,it felt wrong. If it was Teddy's choice, he'd already have left the apartment and look for Billy all over New York.

            "Teddy?"

            "Yes, Kate?" He whispered. He felt too nervous to speak loudly. He did not want to jinx their plan and their chance of finding his fiancé with one word said to much. Despite his height and size, Teddy felt small.

            "We'll find him."

A small smile made it's way to his lips before he hung up on her and called Eli, then Noh-Varr. What was left to do was simple and yet felt worse than making the calls: he had to wait.

With careful steps, Teddy returned to his room and made the bed. Checking the mirrors and reflections paranoid, he hoped to see Billy turning up every second. To call this terrible morning a misunderstanding instead of reality.

 It was impossible to concentrate on something else, not, when glimpses of Billy were all around him. His scent was still in the air, magic and pine trees and a soft hint of fresh water, all combined. Teddy could see the gloves he had gotten as a present last Christmas. Several framed pictures decorated both of their nightstands, one of them being taken on the moon, just the two of them, kissing each other. It was Teddy's favourite.

 Seeing his own reflection, Teddy could get a glance of himself. He was still wearing one of the old shirts he liked to sleep in, his blond hair was tangled and partly hiding his face. He looked tired, despite having enough sleep. Teddy sighed, right from his heart. What if Billy needed his help just now and he wasn't there? Had there been sings for his choice of leaving him? Had he been abducted? Why hadn't Teddy noticed?

 Teddy felt a breeze on his neck, snapping out of his thoughts, Turning around, he found Tommy leaning against the window, shooting an angry expression at him.

            "Hey.", Teddy greeted him, his voice similar to cracking glass, "I see you let yourself in."

            "The door wasn't locked.", Tommy didn't move. His face had hardened to a mask. He clenched his jaw and held Teddy's gaze without any hardship, "Maybe he left through there. Kate told me the basics."

            "He can't leave without clothes."

            "He's a reality-warping mage.", Tommy shrugged, "Of course, he can. He can do whatever he wants and he does whatever he wants, even if that's not smart. So stop moping."

            "Excuse me?"

            "Stop accusing yourself of not paying enough attention.", for just a moment, Tommy's expression softened. Teddy felt a something on his shoulder, as if someone gripped it for a moment, but it vanished as fast as he was made aware of it. He had the feeling that Tommy had moved just a little more to the left.

 Teddy gave him a tired smile and sat down on his bed,

            "I just keep thinking...why didn't I wake up in time? What if he needs me?"

            "He does need you.", Tommy continued calmly, "That's why this shit of you blaming yourself won't help any of us. We'll look for him. We'll find him. We'll punch him so hard in the face and explain to him that he's got to go into therapy or whatever, but not constantly run away."

If Teddy wasn't so sure that Tommy preferred showing arrogance instead of compassion, he could have sworn his fiancé's twin was trying to cheer him up.

            "You better not try to hit him, when I'm there."

            "I wouldn't hit him much.", Tommy grinned, "Just put a bit of sense into him."

 Mouthing a hesitant thanks, Teddy heard the doorbell ring and let the rest of the group in.

Kate had arrived, wearing a way too big men's shirt, a purple scarf and leather pants. Probably Clint's, Teddy thought. After all of them had gone back to their own lives, Kate had started working together a lot more closely with the other Hawkeye, while Teddy, Billy and Eli had gone back to school.

Eli had reached Teddy's apartment just after Kate and kept a respectful distance between himself and her. He still looked a bit shaken from his mystery illness but refused to talk about the circumstances. Leaning against the wall, he watched Kate and Tommy looking through the drawer through Billy's close.

David and Noh arrived together, both not leaving either's side. America was suddenly just there, standing right next to him and unusually quiet. She was the first to break the silence, sitting down on Teddy's bed and crossing her legs leisurely,

            "So, he just left? Without any other word?"

Teddy shrugged helplessly, not even fighting the empty feeling in his heart anymore. Silence spread her wings, wings so wide, he could feel them against his skin.

            "Or something happened to him.", David interjected, offering Teddy a reassuring smile. It was good to see that he had at least managed to convince him permanently, that Billy cared for him as much as he did for Billy, "I do not think Billy would leave you like this."

           "Or anyone of us.", Kate agreed, "Unlike other people, he values his partners.", for a moment, she shot an angry glance in Noh's direction, before softening a little, "Here's what we are going to do - we'll split up. Noh, Tommy and America will search the wider areas, everything but New York. Eli, Teddy, David and I will split up and do the rest."

            "Thank goodness we still have one teleporter left in case something happens."

Noh tried to ignore the tension between him and the rest of the Young Avenger's members. To his luck, no one was in the mood for fighting. They all just wanted to get Billy back and so did he. Ignoring the angry stares from Eli and cold smiles from Tommy was all he had to do and since he'd never met any of them before, it did not hurt him either. At least, Teddy hoped so.

As fast as they had gathered they began to split up.

            "You'll try the places you and Billy always go to at your fancy dates, Allstar.", Kate mumbled, reaching for her scarf, "He might just be taking a walk for all we know."

No one thought Billy was taking a walk or else they wouldn't have come. Teddy, changed his pants, grabbed his jacket and went out into the cold. Spring had already begun but some days still carried the strength of winter and managed to make him freeze up into his bones.

People were already all over the places, couples holding hands, joggers and dogwalkers approaching the next park, filling the barren sidewalk with colour. Every red coat had Teddy's breath hitch for a moment, every black-haired young man made him stop in his movements. The _What If?s_ turned louder and louder. Once more he saw Billy in his mind, Billy crouched and crying, Billy hiding under his cloak. Without him. Alone.

A glance at the sky showed him a better mirror to his mood. Grey clouds stopped every little bit of sunlight warming his skin. It looked like it was going to rain every moment. Teddy hoped, this would not be the case, if Billy was out here somewhere, he'd get wet and catch a cold.

The park had always been a nice place for their dates but as Teddy reached it, it looked gloomy and unwelcoming. A few brave mothers had come with their children to the rusty playground and allowed them to use both the slide and the swings but never the see-saw which looked so badly cared for, Teddy was sure, even a four-year-old could break it into two.

The pond looked grey and green instead of the deep blue it usually had when he and Billy came here. They had planned to try ice-skating on it if next winter was cold enough, but what little ices had been there, broke the moment Teddy had sat his foot upon it.

His hair felt wet and as Teddy ran a hand through it, he could feel a few drops of water on it. Exhaling, he saw his own breath. Only then, he realized it was snowing. The few joggers that had come, left as soon as the snow met their cheeks but Teddy stayed, taking the emptiness all in.

            "I wish you were here.", he whispered, "I want you to be here."

It made him feel more confident, somehow, to use the words of his loved one for his own thoughts. By now, Billy's spell's had become so strong, no one seemed to remember how much he had struggled with concentrating long enough before. Teddy remembered the sessions they did fondly. How he sometimes used to speak together with Billy, carefully practising the pronunciation of each word.

It meant more than people thought it did. Words had power and Billy's words turned into worlds effortlessly. It was why Teddy put so much feeling and thought into his own, to make sure what he felt would come across the way he wanted - honest and without any pretence.

            "I want you to be here, Billy."

He closed his eyes for just a moment, clenching his fists, the breathing cold caressing his cheeks. The wind was like a whisper, the steps from a passerby like an echo of Teddy's heartbeat - faint and slow.

            "If you mean William Kaplan when you say 'Billy', I am right here."

Gasping, Teddy opened his eyes and turned around. There he was - a dark red jacket, his shoulder a bit broader than they usually seemed, smiling pleasantly at him. Teddy's view blurred, trees and grass going together, the snow almost disappearing. He wanted to do so many things - to hold him and kiss him and hug him. To never let go again.

            "Where were you?", he asked instead, hoarse from the cold, "You vanished without a word."

Billy still smiled. Despite the blurriness, he saw the cerulean colour of his eyes. He'd just cast magic, or they would have gone back to brown already. He took a step forward but gave Teddy the time to react, instead of just throwing himself into his arms. Teddy was glad for that.

            "I needed time to think but here I am."

            "What were you thinking about?"

Billy paused for a moment, before holding out his hand.

            "It doesn't matter."

His tone was final, not willing to apologize or explain, surprisingly firm despite it's silken melody. Realizing the coldness of his tone, he softened it a little,

            "I never intended to leave you, but I also never intended to make you worry. I needed to...to get just a moment to myself, to think about the past. Loki. Your mother. My mother. Cassie. Everything.

But I never meant to hurt you, Teddy. I love you. I promise, I will never make you worry again. I'll make sure you'll have lots of reasons to smile."

Teddy inhaled. It was easier now, like a weight had been lifted from his chest. As he exhaled, once more seeing his breath, it was like what doubt and fear he had experienced in the last hours vanished together with the freshly fallen snow, like it had never been there in the first place.

            "You already did that when you accepted my proposal."

            "Just like I always will, if you ever plan on asking me again."

Teddy took his boyfriends hand and pulled him closer, right into his arms. The familiar smell of pine trees, magic and fresh water was everywhere. He did not know if the water on his cheeks had come from the snow or the tears. He didn't care, just pulled him closer and held him like this. Right at his heart. Right where he was supposed to be.

Despite winter's last cold, Billy felt unusually warm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your kindness, dear readers. This is the first time I've gotten so many kudos in such a short while. You are amazing. (Psst! Betareaders would also be appreciated!)


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